


Hurting To Feel Something

by hamham1o1



Series: Dream SMP oneshots [16]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: ;-;, Angst, Blood and Injury, Burning alive, Clay | Dream-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Crying, Dream and Sap are basically brothers, Dream feels numb, Dream's kinda losing it after being in a cell for like months with no visitors, Drowning, Emotionally unstable, Good Friend Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Guilt, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Pandora's Vault, Please for the life of me read the damn tags, Prison Dream, Respawning, Sad, Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Harm, Stabbing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, liek this is pretty dark, please the TAGS, sapnap feels guilty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:00:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28952331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamham1o1/pseuds/hamham1o1
Summary: Feeling something is the only thing that's keeping Dream sane and he'll go to great lengths to keep feeling.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: Dream SMP oneshots [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039014
Comments: 17
Kudos: 707
Collections: Dreamwastaken Angst/Other Dream-centric fanfics





	Hurting To Feel Something

**Author's Note:**

> Have u noticed how my fics get darker every time lmao 
> 
> me and my friend brainstormed and planned this for like an hour lmao
> 
> I'm so sorry dream lmao i hurt you OFTEN
> 
> Also, important.
> 
> PLEASE READ THE TAGS!! THERE'S A LOT THAT CAN SET PEOPLE OFF.
> 
> Okay lol anyways,
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :D

Dream didn’t have a lot to do in that cell so he made a few games. The first one was spinning the clock, making new patterns and such. He also played games in his book. He would draw chess boards and practice techniques. He didn’t do that one too often because it reminded him of playing with Sapnap and George which never failed to send him into a depressive spiral. Dream had other games too. He would go to the cauldron and stick his head in to see how long he could hold his breath. He didn’t always come up though so keeping track of the time was a little hard but he thinks his best time was maybe 3 minutes. He also likes playing with the shards of his mask. He would stab himself to see how quickly he could get himself to bleed out. Dream’s favorite game was lava though. He’d see how many times he would die before passing out after too many respawns. That one was always fun. It was painful at first and he wasn’t a big fan but over time he basically became numb to the agonizing pain. He had quite a few scars from his stabbing game. The lava game didn’t seem to leave scars, it just made his pain nerves almost resistant to all pain. The water game didn’t really have a physical impact unlike the other two. Dream hummed in his cell. He was currently watching the clock tick, fingers twitching and tapping to the tick. He had a few habits if he got nervous. A few were chewing on the skin of his fingers, or his lip. One day after Sam had come into the cell he gnawed in his lip so hard it burst the thin skin and bled for quite a while. Dream hasn’t had a visitor in a while. Tommy last came maybe a week or two ago. The first time Dream played the lava game he passed out so long he didn’t know how much time had passed that he lost track of days and gave up counting. He didn’t mind though, he had his games to entertain himself with. Dream stood up, suddenly feeling anxious. His mood changed a lot and rather randomly. It started recently when he got less human interaction for some reason. It was annoying if Dream was honest. He’d go from feeling happy to unbelievably sad. Well that’s what his games were for. To distract him and to feel something most of the time. He felt numb a lot. It was his least favorite feeling. He hated it more than anything. He wanted to feel things even if they were bad things. Even if he felt like he wanted to die, a common feeling in this hell hole. Feeling something grounded him, it’s what kept him sane, it’s all he held onto. Dream decided he was bored of his intrusive thoughts and stood up. He hated feeling anxious and he wanted to feel something different so he walked over to the lava and leaned back, eyes closed as the molten lava burned and seared through his flesh. The world went dark and then he woke up falling from the hole in the ceiling, landing in the water. He stood there for a moment. Something was wrong. He wasn’t feeling different. He wan’t feeling fucking  _ different.  _ Why wasn’t he feeling different!? Dream scrambled out of the water and ran right back into the lava, the skin melting off his bones once more. He respawned again, landing in the water. 

“No, no, no, no,” muttered Dream. Why wasn’t he feeling different!? He ran back in, respawned and repeated the process of burning to death. All across the SMP people communicators pinged constantly with the death message,

_ Dream tired to swim in lava _

_ Dream burned to death _

_ Dream tried to swim in lava _

There were at least 20 more after that and Sam assumed he was trying to get out so he called the guards to head to the prison. Sam, Sapnap, Punz, went and Tommy, Quackity, and Tubbo forcefully imputed themself into the group wanting to see what was happening. Dream continued to run into the lava, the death messages coming up at an alarming pace. Dream crawled out of the water once more but his knees gave out and he crashed to the floor, sobs wracking his shaking form. Then his eyes widened and his hands flew to his face, feeling the tears and a sudden feeling of happiness washed over him. He felt different! He felt different! He didn’t feel anxious anymore! Dream smiled brightly and clapped his hands together. He hummed in joy and crossed his legs. Dream began humming a random toon as he fiddled with the him of his shirt. He only had on his sleeveless black turtleneck and his black cargo pants, boots discarded a while ago. His game worked and he was content, all feelings of sadness and panic erased. He was unaware of the group of people who made it to the room outside his cell. Sam walked over and looked at the cameras. (I’m inputting cameras bc plot convenience) The other gathered around, watching the screen.

“He’s just sitting there?” said Quackity. 

“Was he not trying to get out or did he just give up?” asked Sapnap. Sam narrowed his eyes.

“I don’t know, he died in lava at least 30 times so he had to have been doing something.” answered Sam. 

“Maybe he’ll try again?” offered Tommy. Sam sighed and shrugged.

“I don’t know, we should just watch for a few minutes. He’s a sneaky son of a bitch.” remarked Sam. They all put their weapons away, watching the camera silently. Dream sat on the floor, continuing to fiddle with his shirt. He was faced away from the camera so they couldn’t see his face until he turned around. Some of them swallowed not having seen the man’s scarred face before but opting to stay quiet about it. Dream let go of his shirt and stood up, nearly falling over but managing to catch himself. They watched as Dream walked over to the cauldron where a shard of what appeared to be his mask rested. None of them noticed the water’s slightly red tint. He picked up the large shard and walked back over to his spot of the floor and sat down. He touched the tip of it with his thumb, it was sharp that’s for sure. They all watched in confusion as he just messed with the porcelain. 

“What is he-” started Tubbo before Dream stabbed the shard into his bicep, not even flinching. Tubbo’s hand flew over his mouth and Tommy’s eyes widened in surprise. Sam just stared, swallowing thickly. Quackity shuddered and gripped his arm. Sapnap visibly paled. Dream only looked at the wound as blood ran down his arm. Everyone felt sick when he took it out and held the shard in his hand before gripping it tightly and stabbing it in his arm again.

“Oh f-fuck,” mumbled Tommy. Spanap moved before even thinking, pulling all the levers that lowered the lava.

“Sap what’re you doing?” asked Sam. Sapnap turned to him.

“I’m going in there that’s what.” answered Sapnap. No one dared to try to talk him out of it after the deadly glare that followed. Sapnap waited anxiously for the lava to flow down, nearly running towards the door when it wasn’t even fully down, Punz grabbing his arm was the only thing that stopped him. The lava was fully down and Sap’s eyes landed on Dream and his fingers twitched nervously, a habit he picked up from growing up with Dream. Sapnap didn’t even wait for the bridge, instead he threw a pearl and the world went dark. He appeared a few feet from Dream who jumped at the sudden appearance of someone. Dream looked at him with wide eyes and Sapnap gave him a shaky smile.

“Hey uhm Dream,” greeted Sapnap. Dream looks at him numbly.

“Hey Sap.” answered Dream, voice raspy. Sapnap nearly cringed at the nickname. Sapnap eyes the shard in his arm.

“What’re you doing there bud?” asked Sapnap. Dream looks at the wound and lifts the shard out, more blood coming from the wound. Sapanp nearly throws himself at Dream when he stabs himself in the thigh. 

“Just playing a game,” answered the blonde. Sapanp swallowed thickly, his stomach full of knots. Sapnap knew he was going to regret it but he asked anyway.

“Game…?” questioned Sap. Dream nods and smiles

“Yeah! I have lots of games!” exclaimed Dream. He pointed to the cauldron and Sapnap felt his stomach twist. 

“I like to see how long I can hold my breath in the water! I don’t always come back up though so it’s hard to keep track of time.” explained Dream. Sapnap cringed. He fucking  _ drowns _ himself. Is that what he does here? 

“Oh! The game I’m playing now is how many stabs it takes to bleed out! I want to get a new record! It’s 6 currently but I was going to try to get to 4,” continued Dream. Sapnap had to swallow the bile rising in his throat. 

“And my favorite game is the lava! It’s fun to see how many times I can die before passing out!” said Dream.

“You like fire and stuff like that right?” asked Dream. Sapnap didn’t answer, eyes wide in terror. Dream stood up on wobbly legs.

“Why don’t I show you?” offered Dream. Sapnap couldn’t even stop himself when he lunged forward to grab Dream before he did anything. As soon as Sapnap made contact with him, Dream stumbled back, falling onto the ground and scrambling into a corner, curling into a ball and hiding his face. He threw his arms over his head trying to hide. Spanap cursed at himself for doing that but god he didn’t want to see Dream burning to death by his own fucking hands. He raised his hands to show he was unarmed and crouched a few feet away from him. 

“Hey buddy, I’m sorry I lunged at you, I just didn’t want you to show me your… game.” apologized Sap. Dream lifted his head slightly just to peak out but Sap could see the tears in his eyes and how he shook.

“You d-didn’t like my g-game?” asked Dream and Sapnap has to force himself not to cringe. 

“Uhm, your game is really dangerous, I don’t think you need to show me.” answered Sapnap. Dream nods weakly and Sap gives him a warm smile.

“Why is the lava your favorite game?” asked Sap. Dream perked up a bit.

“It f-feels like a warm hug!” said Dream slightly uncurling himself. Sapnap heart stutters. Dream shrinks in on himself again.

“I don’t get those anymore,” whispered Dream and Sapnap’s fucking herat shatters. His best friend was sitting in front of him, talking about how he has games where he kills himself constantly. His fucking brother. The kid he grew up with. This wasn’t Dream’s first time doing shit like this. When he and Dream were really young, maybe a year after they met, Dream’s mother died and Dream went numb. He did things to make himself feel. They were never this bad though and he had Sapnap to help him but he’s been all alone in this goddamn cell, feeling numb and just trying to do anything he can to feel something. Sapnap shakes his head, he didn’t need to think about that now.

“Do you want a hug? You always liked my hugs.” asked Sapnap. Dream looked at him, confusion written across his features.

“But d-don’t you h-hate me?” asked Dream meekly. Sapanp closes his eyes and then reopens them, a tear running down his cheek.

“No, god, Dream no. I could never hate you,” answered Sapnap. Sapnap feels more tears come and he buries his face in his hands. Why didn't he visit sooner. He knew Dream did shit like this. Why didn’t he come check on him even if he didn’t visit. HE could’ve helped Dream, he could’ve fucking helped him! Sapnap suddenly feels arms around him and he moves his hands. Dream pulled him closer, hand on the back of his head, holding him close.

“Don’t be sad Pandas.” whispered Dream. Sapnap broke and he hugged Dream back making sure he held him close. Dream yelped at first before he melted into Sapnap’s hug. Dream feels something in his chest. It’s so warm. Dream hasn’t felt warm in a long time and he loves it. 

“T-This is way better than m-my game,” mumbles Dream and Sapnap laughs quietly. 

“Of course it fucking is,” responded Sapnap, relishing in the way Dream’s quiet giggles rang through the air. His giggles slowly turned into cries and Dream buried his face in Sapnap’s shoulder, sobs wracking his body.

“All of my g-game hurt Sapanp, but I c-couldn’t feel a-anything because I’ve b-been so a-alone.” muttered Dream. Sapnap shushed him. 

“You’re okay Dream, it’s okay. You don’t have to do those anymore.” whispered Sapnap. Dream hugged him tighter and sobbed into his shoulder. Sapnap just held him close and he cried and let out every raw emotion that had been pent up. They stayed like that until Dream passed out, the breakdown and dying in lava over 30 times finally getting to him. Sapnap looked down at his friend, no, brother and sighed. He picked him up bridal style and chucked a pearl over the lava gap, appearing in front of the others.

“He’s not going back in there.” declared Sapnap. 

“Is that really a good idea?” asked Quackity. Sapnap turned to them with tears in his eyes.

“I don’t care. He’s not going back in there. He can be on house arrest at my house or something but I’m not going to be able to sleep at night knowing my fucking brother is killing himself just so he can feel an emotion. If anyone disagrees they can talk to me after I help him.” said Sapnap, voice deep and threatening. They all shivered at his glare.

“I don’t think anyone here is gonna disagree.” said Tommy. Sapnap nodded and he held Dream tighter and walked out of the room. He wasn’t going back in there, and Sapnap was gonna do everything in his power to keep it that way.

**Author's Note:**

> eyyyyy u got to the end
> 
> Im so fucking tired lmao
> 
> I swear to god im gonna post nyctophobia soon I just had some writer's block for it lmao
> 
> Thanks for all the support on it to :)
> 
> Oh its like 2 am, XDDDD
> 
> Love you guys! 💚💚💚💚 
> 
> Stay safe and healthy!
> 
> -Ash :)
> 
> I'm sorry this one was pretty brutal, I'll something less cruel soon :)
> 
> For fanart or if you just wanna say hi! Fanart is always allowed! Just tag me or dm me :) and don't forget credit! :D
> 
> Insta: hammy1o1
> 
> Tumblr: hamham1o1
> 
> Twitter: hamham1o1


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